pressing in

dear Lord Jesus, have mercy,

there is a pushing and screaming in my soul toward you, to push through to your presence like pushing through a wardrobe door into Narnia. it’s like i’m holding my breath, anxiously hoping that you will come to me before the night lifts into day. i have such a beautiful picture of you in my mind, of your embrace, and what i think i need, to go forward, to go onto “the heights” of your love and wisdom. but you are here already, you already arrived in this time to meet me and by pushing i reject you. saturating this dull air, and saturating all the visible, you exist beyond what i can see in this room, and your deep presence extends beyond into the dark air outside this window.

let me just take you as you are. let me listen instead of pushing for some sweet sentimental feeling. i get so empty because really, i am afraid of the realness of your true presence.

you’re saying to put on your peace like a garment, so in my mind i’m pretending to wrap myself in who you are right now. your thick, heavy presence covers me and i pretend to fasten this cloak around my neck, draping it over my heart and my cold hands. immediately, i have so many questions. what good does it do to put your peace around my shoulders in this easy intimate moment, when later in the day i know i will fail? i’m still pushing for what i think is real. but you are real, and you don’t need me to verify that.

you are fierce and holy and real, stronger and purer than me. it’s you who does the peacefulness, not my restless soul. so i gotta quit it, i just gotta quit this pushing. you desire so much to love me in this way, through your cloak of peace, i know you do. i don’t understand how to let you, but i can hide here, i can stop the striving anxiety with your help. you are in fact, preparing all of us this morning. you are speaking to your Bride. God, you are my Healer. and you surprise me, you always cut to the heart of things, and your healing doesn’t miss a thing– you walked this earth healing people. it didn’t even matter how they came to be healed, either. it was your purpose that prevailed- beyond their understanding of what they needed.

instead of pushing to breakthrough, let us put on your peace. instead of fearing the mistakes we will make in the future, let us take you as you are. don’t we know that seeking to secure our own destiny is witchcraft- spiritual posturing, conjuring up feelings? to seek to secure you by some well-worn phrase or prayer? it’s babbling pagan-talk to live on the fringe like that. So I pray for your peace to crush and still the pressing in against you- i pray that you will have your way in us this morning, for your desire is to heal us. Your desire is to draw us out of the darkness, trembling before your feet, healed completely, immediately, declaring your works in us before all the people…

dear Lord Jesus, have mercy. understanding your plan and your ways is not my purpose after all. no, you have purposed me for your healing, and you are so good. i pray for you to extend your cloak of peace to each of us, to crush our own pushing toward you, to still our confused and stubborn wills. to kill the thought that we could ever try to get anything out of you without being utterly exposed. you are the giver, you are the Lord. we bring our secrets, all our unhealed places. we bring our strivings into your realness. make us well. make us well.